A few weeks ago I hinted that there’s a “secret” #BeforeIDo playlist on YouTube. Actually, each of the books I wrote/write (because I’m still currently writing #FinallyIDo and #MARIPOSA) has a dedicated YouTube playlist.
Nothing really fancy, just a bunch of songs that mean something to me or to the actual location where the backstories took place or to the real-life people my fictional characters are based on.
Last night, I decided to create a version of the #WhatAmIToYou playlist on Spotify so you can all enjoy it. Just search for #WhatAmIToYou on Spotify. It’s also available on YouTube here. Below, I wrote a short explanation for each song and which episode it pertains to. Enjoy! <3
I’ll publicize the other playlists soon! Let’s start with #WhatAmIToYou because the printed books will be released end of August. I am so excited! I hope you all are too. The intense prequel is…heartbreaking. 🙁
Out of Reach by Gabrielle
If there's one song that best describes Kit's obsession and realization about the whole Matthew thing, it would be Gabrielle's Out Of Reach. I first heard this song in 2007, just about the time when the real events that inspired What Am I To You took place. Yes, also in Makati. I was then a copywriter for a Japanese beauty brand with HQ in Rufino Pacific Tower along Ayala Avenue. I listened to this song every day after work until the lines no longer made sense.
Somewhere Only We Know by Keane
Years ago, while I was still stalking the real Matthew online, I saw him post a few lines from this song on his blog.
Don't Know Why by Norah Jones
My heart is drenched in wine But you'll be on my mind
I also discovered this song in 2007 because I was looking for songs that could help me make sense of the whole, real Matthew fiasco. The two lines above hit me every.single.time. You could say that I've been holding on to this playlist of songs since 2007.
Cannonball by Damien Rice
Also in 2007. I came across this song from my coworker/supervisor's playlist and I liked it very much. I've always held on to the fact that the first three lines best described what I felt exactly at that moment in time.
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt Still a little hard to say what's going on
Waiting in Vain by Annie Lennox
Okay, this one, I think, needs a longer explanation. You know how sometimes, when someone means so much to you, you tend to "see" and "connect" things that -- in any other given place and time --- you wouldn't normally notice or care about? Yeah, my fascination with this song and the "red strings" that sort of connect what was happening back then were just too bizarre not to write about.
First, this song is part of the OST for the movie, Serendipity, which is *still* one of my favorite movies to date. I lent my VCD (yeah, ancient, hello, this happened back in 2007) to the real Matthew.
Second, I did "go away" and "created distance" from Manila and my problems and went to Dagupan City (not Bellaroca like in the book, but I did go there twice with my editorial team the first time, the second time with my then boyfriend - now husband) for a short vacation. I listened to this song the entire road trip from Manila to Dagupan to help me forget my emotional dilemma. After 6 or so hours on the road, you wouldn't believe where we ended up -- at Lenox Hotel in Dagupan City. My then 20-something-something heart went like "What the fuck is this?" Naturally, I chalked it up to Serendipity. And during that Dagupan vacation, the real Matthew did send me naughty SMS (just like in WAITY Episode 18). The fuck, right?
And finally, just like Kit Castille, I felt like I was always waiting for my "turn." I knew, even then, that the real Matthew was dating other women and I wasn't always his top choice. But still, like the stupid 20-something-something, love-obsessed girl that I was, I kept waiting for my turn.
Tae, ang dami kong hugot ah.
When You Know by Shawn Colvin
It's also part of the Serendipity OST. Back then, like Kit, I kept trying to figure out where the intense feelings for the real-life Matthew were coming from. Despite all the bad things I have heard, the disrespect he has showed, and all the things in between, I couldn't find a single, logical reason behind my feelings. I figured, I just really fell hard -- head over heels -- for the guy. And there were times that I found comfort in the fact that even if it felt horrible, I was...happy...happy in the sense that I knew the feelings were as real as they could be, even though it was only me who felt it all. At least I knew that my feelings were not just strong, but also real.
When She Cries by Restless Heart
During one of my dates with the real-life Matthew, we listened to this song on his playlist. My sources told me that one of the reasons the real-life Bridgette Santamaria left him was that he seemed "directionless." Bridgette felt that Matthew didn't know what he wants in life. As you grow older, you'll realize that there is nothing less sexy than a directionless man. I shared that in my latest Cosmo.ph feature here. But when you're young and carefree, there are some girls who find being carefree, well, sexy.
Power of Two by MYMP
In WAITY episode 3, Kit sang Norah Jones' Don't Know Why while they were driving in Tagaytay. In real life, I sang this song somewhere south of Manila during one car ride with the person who inspired me to create the persona Matthew Rondillo.
Breathe by Anna Nalick
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
I have known the real-life Matthew since college. He used to be the preppy type. But when I reunited with him a few years after college, I could tell that "he's been down for a while." But whenever he smiled, I always thought it was beautiful. Even then I knew he was sad because of the demise of his real-life relationship with the real-life Bridgette Santamaria. I've always thought this song best described that moment in time. Also, it's the perfect background music to how the book character Denver divulged the juicy piece of gossip to Kit in WAITY episode 20.
Holding Out For A Hero by Ella Mae Bowen
I wrote this in 10 Things You Didn’t Know About What Am I To You last year and it holds true. In WAITY, we see a different kind of Kit Castille -- an emotional wreck, clingy, desperate, and very naive. It's quite easy to hate her character in WAITY because she's so far from the mean girl/queen bitch Kit we also love and hate in #BeforeIDo. I've always wanted to write about her backstory. You know, there are reasons why some women always come off as bitchy and mean but for those who truly know them, they're one of the most real people you can ever meet.
In WAITY, I've always felt that Kit keeps waiting for a "hero" to save her. And in this case, I wrote that hero out to be Tristan...but that could change. Why? You have to read the finale! Buy the book here because you can only read 80% of the chapters online!
Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding
Because...Kit really enjoyed the sex high Matthew was giving her every single time. Enough said. Proof here,here,and here.
There's A Fine, Fine Line by Avenue Q
As I mentioned in 10 Things You Didn’t Know About What Am I To You, I saw Avenue Q twice. When I first saw it in 2008, I think, I was still trying to move on from the real-life Mathew fiasco. But just my luck, the guy who played Princeton looked like him. Boo.
SPOILERS STARTING HERE
Read at your own risk.
Unsteady by X Ambassadors
I wish I could write the how and why here but you really need to read the last 2 chapters of WAITY in book form to understand why I added this song to the playlist. Buy the book here.
So Close by Jon McLaughlin
Same reason as above. You need to get the book to understand why. This song is about Kit and Tristan.
Remember Me This Way by Jordan Hill
Same reason as above. Gosh, am I giving away too many spoilers? But yeah, this is about Kit and Tristan.
The Glass Parade by Cary Brothers
This one's about Tristan and his...condition. I told you, spoilers.
There you have it! I hope you enjoy the playlist and the tsimis I just shared. Please stay tuned for the official release of the #WhatAmIToYou paperback version end of August. I can't wait to share it all with you. I just hope you don't hate me too much when you read the finale because it is...heartbreaking.